BLACK | LINE | MIND

i am in chicago

Wed, 21 Jan 2009 04:34:59 GMT

.: my little brother andrew is in alaska. i miss him. he would be pissed that i just called him my "little" brother.

.: i know it looks like i haven't written here since last year, but i find more and more that my entries are meant to be private.

.: but i'm in chicago, and loving it, for the most part. i definitely don't have enough work to do at the moment, though, and consequently i am bored and a little down and therefore typing pointlessly. maybe soon i'll do something spectacular enough to write about it here on my public journal.

i am so fucking rock!

Sat, 12 Apr 2008 01:57:26 GMT

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.: the job search has commenced. out of four places i applied to last saturday, i've gotten two responses. one on monday, setting up the phone interview i had today, and another today, after my phone interview. the interview went... what? better than i expected, i guess. i am underqualified for the position but the AD seemed to really like me - we just clicked on a lot of things and i think she's as excited about my passion and philosophy as I am about hers. so, anyway, i'm underqualified, but she's considering me anyway! she's calling my references and getting back to me next week. i can't believe it; that i made such a good impression that even though i may not have the experience or expertise for the job, she wants me. i feel so wired i could dance.

.: mr. geoffrey called me today and may just drive over for some drinks. that'd be too sweet. i really miss the guys from home and i wish i could go back more to hang out. especially knowing that i'm graduating soon and leaving (hopefully with a job!)... but since i am graduating soon, i have so much shit to do that my weekends are just as booked as the rest of my days. that's why i haven't been updating: i'm doing shit during my free time. this week has just been so great though, that i had to take note of it.

my first KCACTF trip

Sun, 27 Jan 2008 04:24:31 GMT

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.: ... was ridiculous. some people take theatre way too seriously.

christmas is such a wonderful time of year!

Thu, 27 Dec 2007 20:10:31 GMT

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.: the last two mornings i have woken up with every intention of getting right up out of bed and somehow, inexplicably, i've managed to fall back asleep for three hours. how are you awake and then instantly back asleep for three hours straight? i think i'm subconsciously hiding from christmas. i'm not really safe until after saturday, when my brothers and i "have christmas" with our father and his wife. that's a whole seven days of christmas this year. ok, yes. obviously, it's not christmas today. but it is here, lurking in the dark, flicking its switchblade in anticipation and wiping its runny nose with the back of its grimy hand.

.: i am mostly bummed about all the misspent time. and all the people i haven't gotten to be with because of all the people i had to be with for christmas. and the major loss of money on rent and my car's transmission going out. but going on about it now would just be complaining.

.: i really hope you all had a great christmas with the people you wanted to be with and that you got something you wanted to get and that your cars didn't die.

.: 17 days left until break is over.

Thu, 27 Dec 2007 06:58:28 GMT

fuck you too, Christmas. you bitch.

Mon, 19 Nov 2007 01:23:49 GMT

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.: guess i needed some sunlight.

i am done

Sat, 10 Nov 2007 19:51:49 GMT

i want to leave. i want to be gone.

a plan

Fri, 02 Nov 2007 19:44:30 GMT

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.: hung out with ben this afternoon and had another great conversation about the state of society and the educational system and the government and what to change and how. i miss this thinking-beyond. these discussions of future. i am firmly convinced it is possible. not only that, it's a responsibility. i need to write this out; create a manifesto. for this to succeed it has to be organized and thoroughly planned. look me up, i'll be making history. i expect nothing less from myself.

zen

Fri, 02 Nov 2007 05:55:13 GMT

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.: what a fucking beautiful day! i needed to retreat. the alone time while driving was good but what really made my day was being with people who were thrilled to be with me and i with them; i feel refreshed now. and the sky tonight -- so clear! the constellations are amazing and the moon is in this wicked slim curve like a claw, and sort of reddish ... i feel inspired and i feel one with Everything Good. if i wasn't sober right now i'd probably be exploring the mysteries of existence, but as it is i am worn out and satisfied and going to bed.

.: i hope you are all experiencing the good karma too.

can't touch me

Sun, 28 Oct 2007 08:18:42 GMT

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.: i got a lot accomplished today; it was great! i am so awake and hyper again, and it's 3:15. i like creating models. i wish i was better at it, but it sure is fun. and especially to have that time with friends. 3 am didn't even feel late.

.: i've been finding that i'm not busy so i have time for people and so they take it and it's nice but then i'm busy. it's great to have my schedule full because i have plans with friends. it's also a huge confidence boost for me because, of course, it's good to know that people want to spend time with me, and will, when i "let" them. it's also a different quality of time because i've been able to relax and hang out instead of sitting there fretting about all the things i have overdue. it's satisfying.

snippet

Fri, 26 Oct 2007 02:44:53 GMT

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.: such a full day! lots of people-time, which was great for me and just really chill. tomorrow andrew and i have our discovery flights -- i am so excited!! and this is going to be a really full weekend even without the party. these past few sunny days are really doing it for me; i hope it lasts.

Thu, 25 Oct 2007 05:03:32 GMT

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.: i am so pumped about my shows right now! dog sees god and hamlet are so very different and very exciting. i am having some math problems with my scene design, but i've been sick again. sleep!

oh the ridiculousness of you

Tue, 23 Oct 2007 22:37:34 GMT

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.: can't imagine a bigger dick move on the phone than when you're having a conversation with someone and they MAKE UP shit for their audience to hear that makes you look stupid and crazy and there's nothing you can do about it from your end of the phone.

Mon, 22 Oct 2007 03:38:36 GMT

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.: it's good to write and just let all the black out onto the page. even though these lines are really irrelevant.

Sun, 14 Oct 2007 07:56:07 GMT

vacation is good. i want more.

Wed, 10 Oct 2007 12:55:41 GMT

i am so proud of myself that my life is coming together like i want it to. i am happy.

Mon, 08 Oct 2007 18:47:39 GMT

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.: had a horrible nightmare this morning on the couch in the green room, under my winter coat. it was like a trapdoor opened in my mind and i fell down through every one of my psychological fears.

.: there is some funk cloud hanging over mankato fucking everything up.

oversleeping

Sun, 23 Sep 2007 03:15:08 GMT

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.: i slept through 4 alarms and a personal wakeup call (apparently) Friday morning, missing my production meeting to show my model and my drafting class. LAME. so i talked to steve in the hall as soon as class was over and he was concerned that i am overcommitted, blah blah blah. and i said right there that i wasn't, and that i wasn't having a problem, i've just been recovering from a month-long illness and not sleeping enough lately, and that i just didn't hear my alarms. but he brought it up at the technical area faculty meeting and they decided that they're going to remove me from props on EA. i'm not being fired, jp told me; i'm not being punished. i didn't fuck up, they fucked up. well, that's all well and good but i'm disappointed. i'd really rather get my mainstage participation requirements through propping than pushing a button or aiming a followspot. that sort of pisses me off. i'll be done striking hurly by tuesday at the latest, EA won't need rehearsal props until Wednesday at the absolute earliest, and i'd prefer to do EA than BS because i'm starting DSG as soon as EA is out of the studio. i've already done paperwork and spent hours on preliminary research... eh. and jp tries to console (if that's the right word -- i wasn't really upset) me by saying he'll ask for my help on projects for EA if he needs it; since he'll be the PM now and have an APM to run errands. what's that about? why don't they just give me the APM? i don't really see the sense of helping prop a show when i'm not going to get any recognition for it. i'm past that point here; i've done it enough. i'm going to bring all this stuff up to jp and steve on monday. because jp will see the sense of this, but i have to convince steve or he'll think that i've manipulated jp. steve is totally on the warpath about this issue this semester. i understand he's concerned for me. i appreciate it. but i wish he didn't patronize me so much. i have things under control.

.: and i slept through my alarms this morning at work. i woke up, luckily, half an hour before the next staff came in, and it's saturday, so there wasn't anything important going on. i am tempted to go home tomorrow and just sleep most of the day. now that i don't have EA, i'll have loads of time. it'll be nice. i'll sit at home and smoke pot and laugh at the fact that i could be in propping a show for them. we have a serious shortage of technicians in the department this year, and dr. h and the rest of the faculty seem to think that someone's just going to show up and do it. they're already doing it, by the way. i don't know how many times during hurly concept meetings that i mentioned they'd need a video editor if they wanted active tv screens pointed at the audience. but they ignored this until last minute and then dumped it on amy as a "lighting effect". aren't projections and images on the set usually the responsibility of the scene designer? anyway, amy didn't feel she could say no, and ended up missing classes and sleep learning how to edit and cue video and get this additional project done before opening. even though she didn't have an accurate groundplan or any set verticals until the last week of pre-production. she got completely screwed on this but who's to notice?

.: and while i'm in a ranting/gossiping mood, what the fuck are the grad student standards?! we've got a lot of competent intelligent grads this year, and also people like gredesky. i've never seen an adult assumed to be functioning with normal cognitive faculties so completely retarded. it's like she's on pharmaceuticals or just blazed out of her mind, 24/7. true story: before first dress (two days after her first tech, btw), the PSM asked her if she'd pulled a bottle opener yet and she said no. george, looking at his watch, says, well, you'd better run. she said, "should i go get one?" he said, yes, you'd better hurry and pull one before rehearsal starts. she says, "oh...ok, where can i find one?" he says, in small props. she turns to the PSM and says, "do you think the bottle opener would be in small props?" PSM says, yes, they're in small props. so she goes, finally, and from the mezz stairwell we can hear her call out, "are you sure it's in small props?" then she gets to the grid and yells down, "where can i find a bottle opener?" and finally i snapped. "it's in SMALL PROPS!!! with the rest of the cutlery!" and i stalked out.

and props storage is completely destroyed. less than two weeks into school and i had to climb the shelves to get to the last half of the east aisle of small props. and the kicker on this: she's the paid graduate assistant for props.

Thu, 20 Sep 2007 04:58:43 GMT

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.: my cat died last week. monday, sept. 10th. shane collected him for me when we got home after rehearsal that night and my brother and i buried him on tuesday. it was very tragic and the house is lonely without him. i am lonely. i didn't realize what a void he filled for me emotionally.

first dress

Tue, 18 Sep 2007 06:05:54 GMT

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.: 19 hours and counting, i'm hyper as shit because the rush before first dress is over, i have all of tomorrow to do my notes and the homework that's overdue (fuck art class busywork!), i am on my way to a hot whirlpool bath and an amazingly comfortable and cozy horizontal surface, and i am communing with mary jane for the first time in forever (or three days).

.: it's the exhilaration of seeing your design in a living piece of art, i think. design in progress, i mean.

look at me, learning from the past

Wed, 29 Aug 2007 04:40:13 GMT

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.: i decided today that i'm not going to take 6 extra credits this semester like i planned. this means losing the art studio minor but maybe keeping my sanity. yay! i said no to something i wanted to do for the good of Future Me. it's really brilliant: i've got three homework-intensive classes MWF and nothing now on TH, so i've got two work days in the middle of the week to keep me caught up on my designs and my classwork. as much as my spring bfa review sucked major sweaty balls, it was important for me to realize that i can do better work if i have the time to apply myself like i want.

.: i met with david and i'm even more excited to do this show. i pulled from 6:30 to 9:30 and worked my way through dresses up until 1960 and through all of the suits. it was pretty disappointing, especially in the dress department. i'm going to have to shop. and i need to make a list of questions for the production meeting tomorrow morning before i forget.

.: landed a green permit today, thank god. now if only i could move into town, this last year'd be so easy.

the last first day

Tue, 28 Aug 2007 06:28:39 GMT

.: the first day of school of my final senior year. i'm fucking excited and scared. auditions tonight were like auditions every time; me disappointed with decisions that dr. h and paulf make for everyone. how can they? it's just retarded.

.: but now i know who i'm going to be clothing for hurlyburly and i am again excited and scared to do this. there are more variables in this show than independence, and more people, and men this time. it'll be good. i meet with david tomorrow to discuss my design and whether it is worthy or not. if he likes it i'll start pulling tomorrow afternoon/evening.

.: it IS pretty fucking sweet that we've got so many new faculty this year. john paul i really dig, and i'm taking scene design over again just so i can take a class with him. well, not just so. i've also got my first scene design here this semester, and i'm pretty nervous. i don't have a td yet either. heather is so gorgeous. i could just look at her all day. i'm taking advanced directing with her next semester or i'll be devastated. the new box office manager is nice and i'm picking up some hours there the next two weeks. and the costume shop manager is also very nice and she already mentioned giving me some help on hurly next week.

.: my art class will be cool too. we're taught by a young grad assistant and he sounds tough but i've heard the class is easy and it's stuff i need to learn. the supplies are so expensive though. i went to hobby lobby today and luckily all artist and drafting supplies were at least 25 percent off, so that was nice but still painful. and FUCK THIS HOBBY LOBBY. the management is so clueless. it took 20 min to get through the checkout line. is that ridiculous or not?

.: i've got a faculty meeting in the morning and i'm going to go pass the fuck out.

the last opening night

Sat, 14 Jul 2007 05:01:32 GMT

highland is almost over, summer is almost here. i'm finding more often that anything interesting enough to write about is too private to share, so i haven't been posting much. but i can say that i have been very awake the last few weeks. yay.

music

Fri, 22 Jun 2007 04:28:12 GMT

.: i certainly appreciate System of a Down's album Mesmerize.

.: and for the record, if you cross the line from the innocent ignorance of an inability to appreciate the genius of jack white to the dark land of actually disliking him through on to a toxic wasteland of mocking hatred, there's something wrong with you.

Wed, 20 Jun 2007 03:40:39 GMT

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.: finished empire by card. good shit. the plot is magnificent; the writing, not actually his best. but i guess he can't write something as good as ender's game every time. basically a blueprint for o. the g. and it was interesting to me because i haven't decided how to address the two major issues: educate or manipulate, and violence or non-violence. empire was a manipulate/violence combination, and the more i think about it, that may be the only successful way. starting a religion, you know. the weatherman failed because they were educate/violence, and people just don't care enough. i think the only effective method of education is an individual approach and therefore impossible. and an educate/non-violence platform would have even less influence, i'd imagine. but still there's the manipulate/non-violence that's very appealing to me. it could work. and yet, violence is such a great tool for manipulation....

.: anyway, we're half done with hst. a few more days of these rehearsals and then it's back to me not knowing what the fuck is going on. i hope this one goes more smoothly than RB. no same mistakes twice, right?

.: i miss RB performances. i feel like i didn't get any closure. like when you have a quickie that makes you late for work and then you have to rush so it takes all the fun away.